Redemption
by Barefoot XO
Summary: Frustrated by his endless and seemingly fruitless search for redemption, Spike seeks out counsel from a local minister, Shepherd Derrial Book. Fourth in the May God Have Mercy series.


I don't own Buffy the Vampire Slayer or Firefly. They belong to Joss Whedon.

* * *

 ** _Redemption_**

Derrial Book had only been on Haven for only a few weeks when he began to notice the mysterious blond who hung about his church, but never seemed to attend sermons. The man looked rather disreputable, but had never, to Book's knowledge caused any harm. Like Book, he appeared to be a man apart.

It was nearly a month into his stay on Haven that Book chose to confront the man. "You realise that you are welcome in my church any time you wish…"

The blond man smiled faintly, a truly bitter look crossing his youthful face. "I'm not welcome in any house of the Lord, Shepherd. The last time I made that mistake I was gifted with a broken back that took a long time to heal right. I know where I'm not meant to be."

Book was rather shocked by the man's rather bitter riposte. "Everyone is welcome in the house of the Lord, young man. What is your name?"

The man laughed in apparent disgust. "There's an exception to every rule, Preacher. Dong ma? I'm Spike. I got that name because I once had a passing fondness for torturing folk with railroad spikes. I made that name for myself and I killed nearly every person who came against me for more years then you care to name. My kill count's in the thousands, Preacher. The thousands. You really think that your God would look fondly upon the likes of me? You'll forgive me if I have my doubts."

Book recognised hints of Dyton Colony in the man's accent, which wasn't surprising the man's rather shocking claims. Dyton Colony was a rather rough and tumble crowd that had produced more than its share of nasty thugs, Badger being one of the foremost among them. Still, to claim a kill count in the thousands was no small thing. Book was somewhat surprised he hadn't heard of the man when the man had caused so much death. Finally, Book put that aside and focused upon what he saw as the real issue. "Then why do you stay so close to my church of you have no desire to enter it?"

Spike sighed loudly. "Maybe I feel the need for a talk with a preacher. Old habits die hard, I suppose, and my habits are older than most."

Book smiled, "Then speak, friend, and tell me what you will."

Spike bit his lip and looked uncertain for a long moment. It had been so long since he had spoken with another more than in passing. Not since the last of the last Scooby had died out centuries ago. "I was once a killer. I cared for no one and nothing. That was until I was caught by this program run by the military. They stuck a chip in my head that caused me pain whenever I tried to hurt a human."

The shepherd flinched spectacularly at that. So much so that Spike actually stopped and looked askance at the man. Book shrugged faintly. "I've heard of such things happening. Do go on."

The blond man stared for a long moment before deciding to just do as he was asked. "I was still a monster then. I was just a monster that couldn't carry out his craft, dong ma? But then I fell in love with this girl and… well I guess you could say she helped me find my soul. I couldn't be with her, in the end. It wouldn't have been right. A girl like her is worth much more than a man like me. That was when I started looking towards getting redemption for all that I'd done before. Problem is, it never seems like enough to make up for all that I did."

Book sighed softly. He knew far too much on this particular topic. "Believe it or not, Spike, I understand far better than most how difficult the path you're walking is. My count, Spike, is far larger than yours. It's somewhere around thirty million."

Spike was quite obviously skeptical, but Book knew he had the man's attention. "Oh, it's true. Let me tell you a story. About a decade ago, I signed a form that approved a new wonder-drug for testing on the planetary scale. It had performed very well in the clinical trials and I saw nothing wrong with using this drug to help pacify a new border world. The drug itself, had it been successful, could have ended the War of Unification before it started, allowing for far fewer deaths in the battle with the Browncoats. It all seemed so very ideal."

Spike's look of faint distaste was a bit hard to take, but Book thought he understood it. Spike might have been a killer of men, but Spike was the type to kill folk with his own hands. To kill thirty million souls and not even so much as muss your fingers was a bit hard to take. "The drug was called G-23 Paxilon Hydrochlorate. It's believed to have killed every last soul on the planet it was tested on. Unfortunately, that's Reaver territory these days, so I was never able to fully confirm that. Still, the death toll was horrifying and the project was canceled. Believe it or not, but at the time I was so jaded that the deaths, even on that scale didn't bother me."

"Then what got through to you?" Spike's voice was almost a whisper, as if he were afraid a louder noise might break something. He seemed morbidly fascinated by the tale.

Book offered a bitter smile of his own. "Like you, it was a girl. I wasn't in love, of course. She was just a child of fifteen, and I was only a few years younger than I am now. I was inspecting the facility where she was being trained. I had no idea that she was a psychic. She simply whispered 'Miranda' and looked at me with the most horrified expression I have ever seen in a human being. That look scalded me. I don't know why, to this day. I lasted maybe a week before the nightmares drove me to quit my job and seek out something that might help me. I found the Southdown Abbey on Persephone. That was where I found God again."

Spike looked deeply uncomfortable. "So how exactly did you find redemption for all that, Shepherd?"

Book levelled a pitying look at Spike. "I doubt very much if I have, Spike. I simply do my best with the years that are left to me and try to do God's work. When my time is over, it will be for God to decide if I have earned redemption. For people as steeped in blood as we are, Spike, only God could possibly decide that he can wash away the stains on our souls. It is our job to simply do the best we can with what time we have."

* * *

Spike left from Haven the next day. He was on Persephone within the week, seeking shelter in the Southdown Abbey. As for Book, he was killed by an Alliance gunship while he desperately helped defend his flock from the men that wanted Miranda's secret silenced forever. Upon his death, Book found a certain amusement that he was killed to preserve the secret of his own great sin. He found the deaths of his fellow residents of Haven vastly less amusing. As for whether Book ever found his redemption… only God was able to judge him and God's not telling…

* * *

"You're gonna come with us…"

Shepherd William glanced up in shock at a perky brunette who reminded him, ever so slightly, of Willow. "That so, Pet? Why's that?"

"You like ships. You don't seem to care where they're headed. You want to ride on a good ship and mine's the best."

William snorted. "That poor dear looks like she's been to hell and back, Pet."

The girl's smile faded slightly. "She has, actually. Still, she survived it. That should tell you how reliable a firefly is. Ever sailed in one before?"

"Many a time, Love. Many a time. Still, she does seem to have character. I suppose I might consider it."

The girl beamed brightly at his statement. "Well this here's _Serenity_ , and she's the fastest ride to Beaumonde for anyone that can pay… You can pay, right?"

William chuckled. "I can pay, yes. Though, I have some perishables that might be welcome too."

"Perishables, you say?" The girls smile actually brightened. William hadn't thought that was physically possible. "I think the captain can be convinced to give you a bit of a break if you've got food we can share. I'm Kaylee."

"Nice to meet you, Kaylee. I'm Shepherd William." He squinted faintly when a passing girl, even younger than Kaylee, flashed a knowing smile as she headed up the gangplank. "I have a feeling this won't be a boring trip."

Kaylee waggled her eyebrows expressively. "Oh, Shepherd, _Serenity_ ain't never boring. That's a fact…"

* * *

Welcome to August. In addition to my normal updates, every two weeks on the Saturday, I will be attempting to post one update or short story of some sort per day. I hope you enjoy it.

 _Jasper_


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